Gazelle and the Morrison letter

Season 5 Curious Gazelle - the letter to Morrison https://t.co/vwEUbxA4L5

— Mary Q Contrary AKA Complementary Schismogenesis (@Book_of_Rules) August 11, 2023

1:00  Reading begins of the letter to Morrison

23 August 2014 at 19:14:22 BST

Dear Morrison,

After meeting you last week, I felt overwhelmed, full of emotions, and confused. It’s true that this was partly because you had spent so much money on me and tried your level best to make sure I enjoyed my time in London. And I felt grateful.

But there was also this element of disappointment. Our time together was beyond awkward. You came off as extremely annoying, weird and just like you told me once that you find it difficult to connect with me, I felt/feel the same way. When you call me, after about five minutes, it begins to get tiring for me; our conversations are monotonous, often pointless and fake.

My own behaviour wasn’t great. I know half the time I was with you, I looked moody - but realise that that moodiness was genuine. I felt annoyed by your questioning, your small talk and the fact that you just kept looking at me abnormally. There’s a limit to eye contact. And I think you liked that you were able to make feel uncomfortable. That’s not an achievement. Your job was to make me feel comfortable, but you did the opposite. You put on the spot so much too.

After I came back home, I started re-evaluating my feelings towards you, the time we spent together and whether I would ever want to meet up again.

I consulted my sister & two of my close friends. After telling them you made me cry, they all said I should not see you ever again. They were horrified. And it’s true. Think about it. What kind of person - a ‘friend’ - makes someone cry the first time they meet you. It’s messed up. And for some reason I think you enjoy it - you get a kick out of it. And I didn’t cry because I was frustrated, you ACTUALLY made me cry. You snapped at me over the lamest thing. Mimicking. MIMICKING. I do these kind of things with my friends all the time out of playfulness. You rejected my playfulness. So what is left? That’s how I connect with others: through humour and being playful. But we do not share the same sense of humour.

Every time I remember a situation in which you made me cry, you accuse me of being bitter. But you don’t understand. I see the real you in those moments. At other times I don’t know who you are.

The worst thing was when you said you were only here for your ‘personal enjoyment'. That hurt me so much. So you consider me your entertainment/er? I’m not a professional singer or actress or w/e. I am not anyone’s entertainer. And even entertainers don’t entertain others 24/7.

There is a huge discrepancy between your online personality and who you are in real life. I don’t understand. I just don’t understand. Who are you? And it’s as if you want to put all that aside, YET, at the same time, keep bringing up stuff from our online interactions. Take your rants about B.bitch for example. You sent me not one but several e-mails about that. Now, it’s not that I care about the rants themselves, but the fact that you act as if nothing ever happened. I found that strange when you’re otherwise extremely sharp.

Even though you tell me ‘everything’ about yourself… none of it has anything to do with your personality or sense of being (sorry for the mystic speak, I realise you’re too rational for it). You reveal your ‘general outlook’ on life which is extremely liberal, I get it, you needn’t give me lectures on your values. You tell me a smooth story about academic life, career. Then you might slip in some random personal anecdotes about past girlfriends and how you want to get married to a desi girl (I knew that already, you’ve told me 100 times on the phone!). So it's like a CV being read out to me. I never thought that DoAE would treat me like a colleague.

As for putting me on the spot - you did that the whole time. Are you my talent agent? I can figure out my talents myself. Are you trying to get me ready for my political career? Because I can do that myself too.

After I've just cried my eyes out, you think it's okay to start talking at me by literally reading your entire curriculum vitae, then suddenly ask me to reveal my life story (which is emotional for me as it involves me to recall a horrible bullying experience) and demand that I do some accents??

I then reflected. I thought why is it that I still haven't told a so-called friend I've known for a year about my past? I open up to almost everyone I like and consider a friend. I’m not a closed off person. But with you, there's a sense of discomfort. And it shouldn't be like that. It’s not a good discomfort (i.e. the type that a masochist may enjoy). It’s a horrible kind of discomfort. You made me feel uncomfortable almost the whole time. And even when you were hugging me - or should I say were stroking / patting me - you kept looking over (staring) again! I’ve never met someone like you - you’re really weird. And then you may say I’m extremely weird too; I post videos on FB telling people I want to be in porn… yes I’m weird. But I’m not weird in the sense of weirding others out if I were to go out with them for a meal or something.

You made some awkward remarks about my appearance. 'You're kinda pretty too', to which I responded 'Liar...' and you said something like 'I am lying'. When we were at the pub or w.e., you again made this absurd comment about me looking 'freshened up', followed by pointing out my make-up. So you always wanted to get hitched to a girl from a Pitbull video and my make-up is the thing you notice first? I didn’t even have foundation on! Do you know how to speak to a girl or are you drunk on Leftard gender equality and feminazism?

You took me to one of the poshest Chinese Bar in London - thank you - but the most of the time you put me on the spot and gave me awkward compliments. It’s not that I can’t take a compliment - I can - but your comments about my intelligence & Maria Malhotra stuff become repetitive. They lose their worth, effect. Then as a 36-year-old man with so much life experience, you have the cheek to demand compliments? Who does that? I found that so strange.

What is a friend? Someone you feel free around. You can breathe around. Someone who exudes warmth and love and comfort. Even your hugs were cold. And I'm a huggy person, I love hugs! I love all things that breed intimacy. In a true friendship, you don't have to keep reiterating that it is a friendship. “Are you my friend,” “Do you like being my friend,” “Am I your best friend…”… iss ‘friend’ ke lafz se mujhe nafrat ho gayi hai! Don’t you see? And face it. This was never a friendship and never will be. Your company brings me no joy.

Now just because I don’t have lots and lots of friendships (it is actually the same with most people on this planet), I do have a few very real ones. So I know what a friendship feels like. Friendship doesn’t need small talk. Friends don't mock the silence of their friends by calling them ‘Buddhist monks’. And hanging out with a Buddhist monk would be better than hanging out with you.

At times I feel as if you yourself are annoyed by me. At other times I feel as if you want this to be more than a friendship. So we’re in the London Eye and you’re comparing skin tones (which is an absurd thing to do in and of itself in the first hour of meeting someone and so Mirpuri) you said something like in most couples the girl is lighter than the guy - so you think we're a couple?! WTF? But anyway, I have trouble looking at this as a friendship, let alone something more. And I’m not overthinking anything. You make me think like I am, but any girl in your company would think about weirdness. And I know for a fact nothing gets past you either.

And what is the point of asking a 21-year-old girl/woman a million times about her marriage prospects etc. etc.? Weirded out, yet again. I will get married when I want, whether it’s arranged or to a polytheist.

Those two days: were they really about watching a movie with me, relaxing, having fun? Or were they about testing someone's political aptitude - does she really have it in her? So if it was the latter, you should have told me beforehand.

So you feel as if we have shared quite a lot with another. You told me about your parents in a way that you may not have told others. But telling me over lunch about the one thing you seem emotional about is inappropriate. One doesn’t share something for the sake of sharing. Perhaps you really do think in numbers. You share something, and you expect me to share something back. 

Also, at that lunch you spoke to me in a really patronising tone. I wasn't doubting your intelligence or political insight. It’s just difficult for me to take such a radical plan so seriously. After leaving that Islamic cult, any form of radicalism in politics seemed delusional for me. Again, I’m sorry, I’m not calling you delusional, you clearly know better. But anyway, in that patronising tone, in that moment, I again saw the real you.

I also am tired of the way you give me unsolicited advice about my family. If I complain on Facebook, it stays on Facebook. If I send you a horny text, it stays on SMS. If I say something on the phone, it stays on the phone. Real life - real life. And stop assuming things about me: "You haven't ever stayed alone" - hello, Morocco! 7-8 months. "It must be hard being a Pakistani girl" - what, is this Jeremy Kyle?? I have no problems trying out new things, but I will do everything at my own pace. I’m in the process of working out who I really am, what I want from life, constructing myself. Leaving religion was just one part of the exploration. It’s as if you are free to go through a million phases at your age, whilst I am required to be an ‘adult’, have a sense of stability and know everything about the world in one go. Even if I rant about these things, I wish to be left alone in the process.

So where are we now? If I want to end a not-really-a-friendship-but-friendship, where are we now? Because we're connected to each other through Chocolate. How sad it would be if I am unable to do anything for Chocolate because of all this.

This relationship is a burden I have to bear. I wish I never ever spoke to you in the first place. None of this would have happened. I hate being in this situation, it’s making me ill.

I’m sorry but I find your company suffocating and you as a person extremely weird & psychopathic.

You are not laid back at all. You notice every little thing. You are an observant individual.

Clearly we have very different understandings of friendship means.

Good bye, take care and best of luck in all your future endeavours

Thank you for the great food

Gazelle

10:00  Asia de Cuba calamari

31:00  Addicted

41:00  Essays

45:00  Back in touch

47:00  Obsession

49:00  Ghosting

50:00  Love

52:00  Belief in God

53:00  Contradiction

54:00  Justin Murphy

Neurosis

57:00  Questioning people

59:00  People cannot bear to be contradicted.

1:00:00  Academically disruptive emotions

1:02:00  Belief in God

1:04:00  Prayer

Benefits of leaving Islam

1:05:00  Belief systems

1:08:00  Intrinsic truth

1:09:00  Religion is a group evolutionary strategy.

1:12:00  Is survival possible without a group?