Should Jade Goody represent modern Britannia?

From page 37, Money Week - 1 February 2008, by Ruth Jackson

On the basis of column inches, it seems that one of the most important stories of the week was the discovery that the Royal Mint is to remove Britannia from the 50p coin. "I don't think anyone cares for her much longer", said John Porteous, a member of the Royal Mint's Advisory Committee on Coin Design. Judging by the vitriolic rants in the tabloids, it seems either Porteous was very wrong, or the newspapers are just glad to have something to rail against. "You'll rue the day you axed Britannia from coins," said the Daily Express, while the Daily Mail argues that this is just the final insult in a long line that Britannia has received from the Labour Government.

So just who is Britannia? An article from The Guardian furnished us with the revelation that she isn't quite the patriotic symbol the tabloids would have us believe. She first appeared on Roman coins to mark the successful invasion of the British isles - so in that sense she actually symbolises "conquest and subjugation," says the Independent. The current image on our 50p coins is based on a lady of Charles II's court who he was trying to impress. It must have worked, as she is thought to have become his mistress - hardly the right pedigree for a symbol of British rectitude. And Gordon Brown isn't the first leader to meddle with Britannia. Queen Victoria added the trident and lion to the image to mark the empire's prowess at sea, taking the opportunity discreetly to cover up Britannia's naked breasts.

In the 21st century, Britain is no longer of the seas - a fact the Daily Mail doesn't hesitate to blame on Brown. "We all know that Britannia no longer rules the waves ... not least because New Labour has wound down the Royal Navy to become little more than a coastal defence force." Yet given that our country has moved, perhaps it's time to replace her with something that better represents today's Britain. The Daily Mail suggests Jade Goody. We somehow doubt she'll make the shortlist - but with the Royal Mint yet to reveal which entrant has won its competition for new designs, time will only tell what will appear on future 50p coins. But it's safe to assume the newspapers will dedicate several pages to criticising it too.

Britannia Day - 18 June and two TV ideas

St Andrew's Day - 30 November

St David's Day - 1 March

St George's Day - 23 April

30 + 1 + 23 = 54 divided by 3 = 18

11 + 3 + 4 = 18 divided by 3 = 6, ie the sixth month

By this formula I have arrived at the British National Day, with an auspicious and pleasing number on a day likely to be warm and sunny.  It is also the anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo and therefore even more excellently auspicious.

TV Idea No 1

The appeal of a beauty contest called Britannia the Beautiful open to all races of aspiring Britannias who will wear little else but the Union Jack would be great, I think.

Voting would be by SMS.

TV Idea No 2

An alternative Britannia in a Burqa could be just the thing to display the personalities of single British women of all races and religions not considered to be conventionally attractive. Single men would make offers of marriage only after their questions have been answered to their satisfaction. These women would of course also have a list of questions for the men about their prospects, property and ambitions.

It would be a bit like Blind Date but with the contestants in burqas. This would be when deportment, wit, learning and personality would come into its own ....

Only when an offer has been made and accepted would the burqa be taken off to reveal the features of the woman concerned.

I am quite happy to host this show if asked, in case any TV people looking for new ideas for game shows and TV competitions are interested.

If they do not think me suitable perhaps Terry Wogan or Michael Parkinson could do it.