10 policies for Labour to reinvogorate itself

I cannot imagine any sensible person in the Labour government wanting to lead the Labour Party to defeat in the next election. (It is a very disturbing conclusion to reach that there are no longer any sensible people left in the Labour government, apart from the principled and admirable Frank Field whom I would love to see becoming PM through Telling the Truth.) A Camoronian premiership is a historical inevitability, surely? Nor can I understand why Brown will not formally stake his claim on his absolute right to lead Labour into defeat at the next general election.

Blair is the only other "sensible person" left in the Labour Party fit to lead it into defeat. Perhaps he should be invited back into government and a by- election arranged to let him back in if he be fool enough to accept.

As for the new policies required to bring enliven Labour's lacklustre performance and policy drift, may I suggest proposals to:

(1) introduce an elitist, nationalist, rationalist but non-racist, non-expansionist one-party state run along the lines of the host of the Olympics 2008 who are doing so well for themselves

(2) reintroduce capital punishment and the principle of condign and economical punishment of criminals

(3) constitutionally establish the principle of limited government

(4) abolish the welfare state and reintroduce the concept of the deserving and undeserving poor and a government department to distinguish between the two

(5) introduce compulsory health insurance and dividing its provision into

(a) basic
(b) standard
(c) luxury

(6) give the British a referendum on the EU on an "in or out" basis

(7) disestablish the Church of England (and break the too-long connection with defeat, decline and dementia) and invite "tenders" from other faiths to replace it. The Muslims will probably have a few ideas about how Anglican Islam could be established.

(8) reinforce the British tradition of having a "Special Poodle Relationship" with the world's superpower and henceforth take active steps to become a Pekingese lapdog

(9) allow children to learn Mandarin in British schools as they used to learn European languages

(10) withdraw child benefit from any parent unable to produce a marriage certificate to prevent Britain becoming even more a Land of Illegitimacy, Illiteracy and Innumeracy or, not to put too fine a point on it, The Land of Bastardy and Bastards ...